Group Therapy
by wild-sunshine
Summary: Ezio, Leo, and Rosa in a group therapy session. Humour is sure to ensue. Leonardo/Ezio, onesided Ezio/Rosa.


Hey!

I wrote this with tempest-serenity, and wanted to re-post it here so y'all can find it easier. Originally at: (without spaces)

www. fanfiction. net/s/ 6095558/1/ Assassins_Creed_in_Group_Therapy

Total crackfic, so enjoy!

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"Leonardo doesn't love me anymore."

This statement makes the therapist's assistant stare at Ezio.

"I'm sorry to hear that."

Beside Ezio, Leonardo sighs. "Ezio, for heaven's sake, that's not true. How many times do I have to tell you that?"

"If he doesn't love you, I'll take you," Rosa interjects, and Leonardo gives her the closest thing he has to a glare.

"Let's wait until you're actually in therapy before talking about all this, okay?" the therapist's assistant says, "instead of standing out here in the hallway."

"As you wish," Leonardo says, when Ezio just glares at the floor and Rosa watches him.

Once they're all seated, the therapist consults his papers.

"Antonio sent you all here, correct?"

"Yes. He was tired of hearing our... bickering, as he said. Where he got this idea, I don't know." Rosa shrugs.

"I'm sure." The therapist looks at all three. "Well, let's just go around, and everyone share why you're here. Rosa?"

"Ezio doesn't like me." Rosa crosses her arms over her chest, "and he refuses to give me a reason why!"

"Ezio? Could you tell Rosa why you don't like her?" the therapist says, and Ezio huffs out a breath.

"You're not Leonardo, that's why not."

"But that makes no sense!" Rosa cries, and Ezio shrugs.

"What do you expect? You're also pushy."

"Pushy?" Rosa throws her hands up, "when was I ever pushy?"

"When you forced me to help you to the river, for starters. What kind of person forces people to take them across the entire damn city, fight off guards for them, protect their stupid little gondola, and still return to do more favors? It's pushy and it's overbeaing!"

"Okay, that was good," the therapist holds up a hand as Rosa rises out of her seat, proably about to lunge at Ezio and choke him. "Ezio, you keep returning to help, do you not?"

"Yeah, because-"

"Because he loves me!" Rosa shrieks.

"He loves me, not you, for the last time!" Leonardo snaps.

"Well why else would he keep helping me? He takes me places, he escorts me, he protects me, he steals for me, he kills for me! What else is that but professing a secret love for me?"

"He'd better not have a secret love for you," Leonardo turns blue eyes to Ezio, "right?"

"I-"

"He does! He keeps coming back! So many times a day! He spends more time with me than he does with you!"

"No he doesn't..."

"He does, he does! It's because he loves me more!"

"He doesn't... he loves me..."

"Sure, but he loves me more!"

"No..." Leonardo's voice grows softer, "he doesn't..."

"And yet, he still kills for me! He's killed guards and assassinated´for me! Tell me, Leonardo, has he ever risked his life to save you? I seem to recall hearing about an incident with a carriage where he nearly killed you!"

"It was an accident..."

"It was failed homicide! Because he loves me more!"

"Okay," The therapist cuts in, before Rosa can keep screaming and before Leonardo starts to cry, "Ezio, please explain why you keep going back. Do you love Rosa more? Why do you keep helping her?"

"Antonio pays me!" Ezio bursts out, "okay? That's it! I admit it! I take bribe money! I let him bribe me with money to help his stupid little girlfriend! I don't care that it's immoral, and I keep going back, because the more whiney and insufferable she is, the more he pays me!"

Rosa, Leonardo and the therapist are silent.

"You don't love me," Rosa finally says.

"No, I don't" Ezio agrees cheerfully. "Just him."

"Told you so," Leonardo smiles brightly and Rosa just glowers.

"I'm going to kill Antonio," she mumbles.

"Now, Rosa," the therapist soothes, "murder is wrong."

"Not in this case, it isn't." Rosa sinks down in her chair, glaring.

"Leonardo, do you want to go next?" the therapist looks to Leonardo, who looks considerably happier.

"Me? Oh, okay. Ezio's just a little unreasonable, that's all." Leonardo shrugs.

"Is he always like this?" the therapist asks Ezio.

"The mood switching thing? Yeah. It's an artist thing."

"So why is Ezio unreasonable, Leonardo?"

"He just makes all these ridiculous requests, is all."

"Such as?"

"Oh, flying, for one." Leonardo shrugs, "but I did it."

"He can do anything," Ezio beams, and Rosa chokes.

"I see. Well, Ezio, what do you have to say to what Leonardo has told us?" the therapist says. Ezio turns to Leonardo.

"I love you."

"Good enough for me," Leonardo smiles, and Rosa makes a sort of sobbing sound from behind her hands.

"Just for money..." she moans.

"You should feel good about yourself," Ezio says, encouraging tone making Leonardo cringe, knowing Ezio's inability to offer decent advice, "you were more expensive than other women." Rosa starts to sob, and Leonardo heaves a sigh.

"Well now." The therapist coughs, looks around, "how... interesting. I really think we've done all we can here."

"You think so?" Leonardo says.

"Yeah. Let's go home." Ezio turns suddenly to Leonardo, "so... speaking of all that, there's this thing I wanted to do..."

"What?"

"Breathe underwater." He flashes a smile, and Leonardo's smile falls.

"Not again..." he whimpers, burying his face in his hands, "I can't do it, I can't, I can't..." he draws in a shuddering breath, "maybe if I use fire?"

"You are trying to kill me!" Ezio wails, making Rosa jump, "you are, you are!"

"We're definitely done for today" The therapist stands, walks to the door and opens it. "I think we'll be seeing each other again, however. Many times. Wouldn't you agree?"

Rosa pushes past him, sniffing back tears.

"All for money," she whimpers, "what's the point in living anymore if the man I love would rather be with a moody, hysterical artist?"

"He loves me more!" Leonardo calls after her, then looks up at Ezio, "that is, when he isn't asking the impossible of me..." he stalks out the door without Ezio.

"I bet he's plotting to kill me with fire again," Ezio mumbles, trudging after him down the hallway. "'hey, Ezio, let's use a wooden thing to make you fly and power it with fire!' I knew he's trying to kill me..."

The therapist steps outside the room, stopping short when he sees his next patient on the couch outside, wide-eyed.

"Shall we get started?" the therapist says.

"This is them after therapy?" his patient says, looking in the direction the other three left in. "After getting help."

"Yes..."

"Oh. Well." The patient stands, hesitates, "I don't think I have any real problems anymore. Not compared to all... all that. I'll... I'll be leaving now." he starts walking backwards, nearly tripping over a chair, "which way did they go?" the therapst points to the left. "Ah. Thank you." The patient turns and bolts to the right.

The therapist watches through the window as the patient sprints away from the building.

"Maybe I shouldn't schedule their appointments so close together anymore."


End file.
